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This is the question that haunts me most right now. It is impossible to ignore. It’s feels a very strange place to be, and this has been heightened over the past week or two as I struggled first to get the pain back under control, and then to work out why I was feeling unwell. An increase in the dose of the M-Eslon pills I am taking twice a day eventually resulted in my being pain free again, but it took a while for me to realise this as for the past week I have had no appetite and been vomiting daily.

After several days it occurred to me that I may have caught the “tummy bug” that some members of my immediate family have had. It is hard to know what exactly is wrong as my tendency is to immediately blame the cancer for any unpleasant symptoms I am feeling. And I did this again last week as I struggled with trying to eat anything and then with the discomfort, nausea and vomiting that followed several hours later.

Thinking it was the cancer I felt a sense of panic as I was aware that I had yet to finish my Advanced Care Plan (ACP), and to start organising my funeral. In the few hours I had of feeling okay each day, I have managed to complete my ACP and to organise another family gathering to discuss it and my funeral arrangements with my children. All last week the question “how long have I got left” haunted me, and motivated me to try and get these things completed.

I have also had my first appointment with one of the palliative care specialists at the West Auckland hospice centre, an appointment made to discuss my pain relief options. The increase in the dose of morphine eventually resulted in my being pain free, but I think it took a while to take effect as I was distracted by feeling so unwell. I am still not sure whether it is a “tummy bug” or the cancer, and I suspect that I may not get a definite answer from any of the health professionals involved my care. I have made an appointment with my GP for later this week to discuss both my ACP and my continuing to feel unwell. I have also arranged to meet with the person who has Enduring Power of Attorney for my health and discuss my ACP with him.

But the questions continue to haunt me day and night – how long have I got left? And have I started to go downhill already?